Backhanded Complements How do you handle them?

Backhanded Complements

Have you ever had someone give you what they considered to be a complement, only to insult you or hurt your feelings? I know I have, but how should you handle situations like this without knowing for sure if the complement/insult was actually intended as an insult or if it just came out wrong?

Ladies have you ever had your significant other say something like; "Those jeans or that dress really looks good on you…for a woman your size"? If you are a man, has your significant other ever said something like; "It's ok honey, you did your best and that is all that matters"? Maybe you are a Black Woman and someone tells you that you are pretty for a Black Woman. These backhanded complements can leave a person angry and uncertain if the person giving the complement is intentionally trying to insult you or if they just do not know how the complement sounded when it came out of their mouth. In the case of Black Women being told that they are pretty for a Black girl, there is a really good book on the subject called: "Pretty for a Black Girl." By: Aisha Curry and available online at www.amazon.com

The question still remains, how do you clarify the intent in these awkward situations? What should you do while you are standing there feeling vulnerable and probably hurt and yet you are not sure if you should get angry or force a fake grin onto your face? How do you let someone know that they have just insulted you without over reacting to something that they might not have meant to be malicious? My advice may not be the best or the only way to handle a situation like this, but I think it is a good way to get clarification and maybe awaken a sense of awareness in the person that just hurt your feelings, to think before they speak next time. I would simply ask for clarification on the part of their complement that was the qualifier. For example: you could say something like: "Tell me what you mean about the part where these jeans look good on someone my size"

I have always felt that if you cannot say something nice, then maybe it is best not to say anything at all. Some people simply do not seem conscious of this basic interpersonal skill, but with your help in these situations when they come up, you can help them grow and possibly avoid some embarrassing moments. I know that saying nothing at all can also be awkward as well, but it is better than that backhanded complement. Keep in mind that a lot of this depends on how well you know the person that has insulted you with their so-called compliment. With a close friend, you can be quite a bit more direct and open, but with a total stranger, you need to ask yourself if it is even worth your time, effort or emotional currency to even give it a second thought.

By: Neocarl